Originally posted January 5, 2010
Sorry I've been so quiet lately. It was a very busy winter break...I was here, there, and everywhere.
A few nights ago, I had a dream that I thought was going to change my life. I was wrong. In this dream, I lived with my parents...peacefully. I don't remember details of the dream, but the only thing that matters is that we lived peacefully. I thought that meant that I would find a way to have a good relationship with my parents. After all, the house represents the self...so, in my dream, I found a way to live peacefully, sharing my self with my family.
Later on that day, in a weird coincidence, I ran into my little brother at the store. I just happened to be visiting my home town to see some friends, and boom, there he was. It was a short visit, but a good one. My brother is always respectful of my boundaries. He doesn't like it, but he believes me, trusts that I'm doing what I need to do, and backs off when I ask him to. So, I got to see my brand new nephew, my new sister in law, and then I got to remind my brother that I still needed time. He was cool with that, and we separated on a good note.
I went home feeling like it was time to reconnect. Time to find a way to have a relationship with my parents...and I felt tiny inklings of confidence that I might be able to find a way to live peacefully with them in my life. Ugh. Sometimes I hate hope. Right now is one of those times. I got myself all worked up, believing in the possibilities...and then BAM! Fuck. Whatever, man. Just, whatever.
So through this whole time that I haven't been speaking to my family (about a year and a half), my mom has tried to find little ways to get in touch with me, even though I have asked that they not contact me. Every time I get a phone call on my ex's phone, or an email sent to my work, or an invitation to be friends on a social networking site, it just reminds me that my mother has absolutely no clue how to respect another human being's boundaries, and I'm much better off just not being around her. (I have an issue with all of my family members for different reasons, but I'll be honest: my mother is really the only reason I don't have ANY contact...if it weren't for her, I would just deal with the family dynamics, and I probably would have learned to speak my mind many years ago.)
So, while I was still in my happy place, thinking I might be able to reconnect with my family, mulling over what I would say in a letter...my mother found yet another sneaky way to violate my boundaries. I wouldn't add her as a friend on facebook...so she figured out that if she posted a message on my aunt's page, I would get it.
Well...there went all my hope...all my thoughts of a peaceful reunion...again, whatever, man. Just fucking WHATEVER! Maybe a little boundary violation doesn't seem like a big thing, but like I've said before, taken in context with my mother's inability to respect other human beings, her tendency toward abuse, etc...this tiny little boundary violation was a huge wake up call. I simply can NOT have a safe relationship with my mother. And as long as she and my dad are married, I can't have a safe relationship with him, either. And my brother still lives at home, so he's out, too. And my sister...well, she hasn't spoken to me in years anyway.
Fucking whatever, man.
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