Tuesday, November 9, 2010
You know you're getting used to this lesbian thing when...
...the major part of your foreplay consists of sitting on the bed, winking at each other, and filing your nails.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Accepting Attraction
When I was little, my dad would come home with awful stories about "gay people"...like the time when the guy in the next stall in the public restroom was playing with his keys. According to my dad, the guy was obviously trying to make a pass at him. Which was, of course, frightening. Strange that my dad, my huge-muscled, intimidating, bear of a man dad, would be scared of a guy playing with his keys. Now, I don't claim to know anything about men's room ettiquite (although I do understand it is complex), so I can't say whether my dad was right. But honestly, why was it frightening? What's one little gay man going to do to my big, burly dad? Wink at him? Lick his lips? Make a sexual remark? Is any of that REALLY frightening?
Maybe I should backtrack a little and explain where my rant is coming from. On a forum I'm a member of, I read another poster discussing the fact that she's not attracted to EVERY female, nor is every gay man attracted to EVERY male. Just like straight people aren't attracted to EVERY person of the opposite sex. But that seems to be the assumption in some circles. If you're queer, your entire focus is sex, 100% of the time.
It got me thinking about my dad's huge fear of gay men. Now, I know my dad is an attractive man. But he's not drop dead gorgeous, not by far. He has a gut, he's fond of jeans and flannel, he has somewhat long, wavy hair. I can pretty much guarantee that not EVERY gay man is gong to be attracted to my dad, simply based on the fact that he's not everyone's type. Not to mention, why on Earth would any gay man WANT to sleep with, or even make a pass at, a man who hates gay people? It seems like that would be a pretty huge automatic turn off.
All this came much later, however. My first thought, as I read this woman's post, was that what my dad (and many homophobes) fear is absolutely not true...in fact, the opposite is true.
You see, when I thought I was straight, every man - EVERY man - was a potential mate. I wasn't truly attracted to them. The determining factor for whether I could handle a relationship with a man was...whether or not he was a man (and therefore acceptable to my parents/society as a partner). After an abusive marriage, I added "non-abusive" to the list. But that was it. I could honestly sum up my "type" by listing two things: penis, won't abuse me.
I dated ugly men. I dated toothless men. I dated drug addicts, immature "boys" who would never grow up, self-proclaimed nazi's, I even dated a guy who totally creeped me the fuck out, and who I was pretty sure would molest children if given the chance (ick! I can't believe I admitted that...but, I may as well be completely honest...I've come this far). I never dated a man I could fall in love with, because I couldn't fall in love with any of them. But I could fuck all of them. Or rather, they could fuck me, thereby making me acceptable, human, worthy...or some dumbed-down version of it, since I would/will never, ever be fully acceptable to my mother.
On the other hand, now that I have accepted my sexuality, I don't view many people as potential mates. I'm extremely selective. Aside from the fact that I'm in a relationship and have no interest in adding a third partner to the mix, I simpy am not attracted to every woman who crosses my path. In fact, for the first time in my life, I have a type! I actually GET what attraction is! It's not about finding someone who will sleep next to me, find me acceptable enough to go out in public with me, and (more importantly) be seen with me in front of my parents. It's not about a piece of paper that says we belong to each other, legally. When I look at a woman, any woman, I can tell you immediately if she is attractive to me. I could never do that with a man. The question of "is he attractive?" stumped me every time. Questions like, "did you see that hot paramedic???" were greeted with, "no, I didn't notice". I thought I was attracted to any man who "liked" me as more than a friend. But I'm not REMOTELY attracted to women in that way. If a woman winked at me, and she wasn't my type, I would have no problem "letting her down easy". I still - STILL - have a hard time with not feeling obligated to return every single pass made at me by a man.
So...this idea that gay people think about nothing other than sex is just ridiculous to me. It's exactly the opposite for me. I was attracted to every man...when I thought I was supposed to be. But now that I'm free to be whatever I AM, the field has narrowed considerably. I'd never consider sleeping with a woman I wasn't attracted to. Why should I? My parents are going to hate me anyway, so fuck 'em. Might as well hold out for a Goddess on Earth. (It didn't take long to find one, but still...I wouldn't have settled for less.)
Maybe I should backtrack a little and explain where my rant is coming from. On a forum I'm a member of, I read another poster discussing the fact that she's not attracted to EVERY female, nor is every gay man attracted to EVERY male. Just like straight people aren't attracted to EVERY person of the opposite sex. But that seems to be the assumption in some circles. If you're queer, your entire focus is sex, 100% of the time.
It got me thinking about my dad's huge fear of gay men. Now, I know my dad is an attractive man. But he's not drop dead gorgeous, not by far. He has a gut, he's fond of jeans and flannel, he has somewhat long, wavy hair. I can pretty much guarantee that not EVERY gay man is gong to be attracted to my dad, simply based on the fact that he's not everyone's type. Not to mention, why on Earth would any gay man WANT to sleep with, or even make a pass at, a man who hates gay people? It seems like that would be a pretty huge automatic turn off.
All this came much later, however. My first thought, as I read this woman's post, was that what my dad (and many homophobes) fear is absolutely not true...in fact, the opposite is true.
You see, when I thought I was straight, every man - EVERY man - was a potential mate. I wasn't truly attracted to them. The determining factor for whether I could handle a relationship with a man was...whether or not he was a man (and therefore acceptable to my parents/society as a partner). After an abusive marriage, I added "non-abusive" to the list. But that was it. I could honestly sum up my "type" by listing two things: penis, won't abuse me.
I dated ugly men. I dated toothless men. I dated drug addicts, immature "boys" who would never grow up, self-proclaimed nazi's, I even dated a guy who totally creeped me the fuck out, and who I was pretty sure would molest children if given the chance (ick! I can't believe I admitted that...but, I may as well be completely honest...I've come this far). I never dated a man I could fall in love with, because I couldn't fall in love with any of them. But I could fuck all of them. Or rather, they could fuck me, thereby making me acceptable, human, worthy...or some dumbed-down version of it, since I would/will never, ever be fully acceptable to my mother.
On the other hand, now that I have accepted my sexuality, I don't view many people as potential mates. I'm extremely selective. Aside from the fact that I'm in a relationship and have no interest in adding a third partner to the mix, I simpy am not attracted to every woman who crosses my path. In fact, for the first time in my life, I have a type! I actually GET what attraction is! It's not about finding someone who will sleep next to me, find me acceptable enough to go out in public with me, and (more importantly) be seen with me in front of my parents. It's not about a piece of paper that says we belong to each other, legally. When I look at a woman, any woman, I can tell you immediately if she is attractive to me. I could never do that with a man. The question of "is he attractive?" stumped me every time. Questions like, "did you see that hot paramedic???" were greeted with, "no, I didn't notice". I thought I was attracted to any man who "liked" me as more than a friend. But I'm not REMOTELY attracted to women in that way. If a woman winked at me, and she wasn't my type, I would have no problem "letting her down easy". I still - STILL - have a hard time with not feeling obligated to return every single pass made at me by a man.
So...this idea that gay people think about nothing other than sex is just ridiculous to me. It's exactly the opposite for me. I was attracted to every man...when I thought I was supposed to be. But now that I'm free to be whatever I AM, the field has narrowed considerably. I'd never consider sleeping with a woman I wasn't attracted to. Why should I? My parents are going to hate me anyway, so fuck 'em. Might as well hold out for a Goddess on Earth. (It didn't take long to find one, but still...I wouldn't have settled for less.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)