So apparently, I had this crazy belief that death wasn't permanent. Not really, of course...but I have spent a good chunk of time lately pissed - absolutely PISSED - that I still have to deal with this grief shit every goddamn year...as though it was eventually just going to *poof* go away. Ten years ago yesterday (which was five days before Thanksgiving) my grandma hung herself. I didn't really grieve - I took care of everyone else. I accepted it (ha) and "understood" my grandma's choice. While it sucked a lot and I missed her, I couldn't handle the thought of judging her. She had obviously been through too much, and knowing that the lifespans in her family are crazy long, she'd probably have to live in this shithole another 40 years if she didn't take matters into her own hands.

I honestly couldn't understand why anyone would be mad at her. Until now. This year, the anger is finally kicking in and I am PISSED! And I'm actually pissed AT my grandma!

I had to get some shit out tonight, so I wrote this: (and p.s. Thank you blogger for working...been trying randomly to blog for over a year and this is the first time it has worked.)

I'm so TIRED of missing people
So tired of being the outcast
So tired of being pissed
because my people don't want me
or aren't there
So tired of being reminded
every goddamn year
So, Grandma, take that noose off
from around your neck
Try just one more time, for me
I know its a cruel world
I LIVE it
Every motherfucking day
Including the day every year
when I'm reminded how dead you are
And the day every year
when I remember that my people
-your people-
don't want me
won't put up with me even for
one fucking day a year
-the one day we SWORE we'd always
come hell or high water
spend together
so that YOUR death wouldn't ruin it
So, Grandma, take that noose off
from around your neck
Let's try another way
one that doesn't involve forever grief
Because seriously, how the fuck
did you expect any of us to deal with this?
Did you really think we weren't going to care?
or notice?
or spend the rest of our lives fucked up and lost in confusion?
Did you really think we were all going to wake up
Thanksgiving morning
-Fucking Thanksgiving???-
thinking oh thank God we don't have
to deal with that bitch today
we'd had about enough of her
"sweet'eart"s and
eggs and red dirt and
smooshy bathrobes and
unconditional love
I've had enough of that shit
to last the rest of my life
Well. Dammit. Your plan backfired.
We all woke up Thanksgiving morning
devastated
Our world had changed
What the fuck do you do with
your grandma
hanging herself
with a belt
in the spare bedroom
FIVE FUCKING DAYS BEFORE THANKSGIVING??
So, Grandma, take that noose off
from around your neck
Damn that's a selfish thing to ask
I know you were hurting
I know you tried everything
I know you gave it your all,
and then some
I know you put up with this world
plenty long enough
I know you deserved better
and didn't have the tools to get it
But god dammit, this didn't fix
ANYTHING!
So, Grandma, take that noose off
from around your neck
And learn to love this world
even though it's fucked up
Stay with us
even though we're selfish and stupid
and can't figure out that you need us
Eat your cookie dough for lunch
And buy us 5 lb blocks of cheese
And give squishy hugs
And just fucking be ok
with not enough
Get what you can out of life
on your own terms
Just put the fucking noose away!