Late Bloomer

Originally posted December 13, 2009

Here's the token, "I started this blog because..." post.

I am 33 years old. I have been married twice. To men. I recently discovered that I'm a lesbian. Not bisexual. Not part-way, kinda sorta, maybe, a little bit...I never should have dated men, kissed men, tried to make myself fall in love with a man. Never, not once.

This is my crazy journey. And it is crazy...or it feels that way, anyway. In less than a year, I went from being a suburban housewife in a marriage that was both blissful AND horrid...to finding my spiritual center with the woman of my dreams.

So now here's my disclaimer: I will be talking about some difficult stuff in this blog. I've kept my identity secret for a reason. I was sexually abused as a child, a teenager, and in my first marriage. This is a huge part of the reason I was not able to accept my sexuality for nearly 33 years. I was also abused by my parents (mostly my mom, but my dad sort of sleep-walked through life, refusing to notice what was going on in his home). This is another reason why I was unable to accept my sexual orientation. And last, but probably not least, I was raised in a very homophobic family. These topics will come up in various ways, and at various times in this blog. I've started this as a way to work through this blissful craziness that is my homecoming, my learning to understand and accept myself.

What this blog is not is a request for feedback. Not to be rude, but I really don't care what you think of my process. I do hope that someone out there reading this will find some comfort in knowing there are others in similar circumstances...or that this blog will be useful to someone, for SOME reason anyway. But I will be laying myself bare here, for all the world to see, and talking about some intensely painful subjects. I don't need words of wisdom, advice, suggestions, or anything of the like. I have a therapist for that. In fact, the only thing I need from this blog is to write, and work it all out. I hope that my words are enlightening for you. But the only thing that matters to me is that these words are enlightening to ME.