The Newness Of It All

Originally posted December 13, 2009

I was having a conversation with my girlfriend the other day, and I mentioned (for probably the hundredth time) how different it is being with a woman than a man. As wrong as it was for me to spend so many years living a "straight lifestyle" (my parents would shit themselves at that phrase...snicker), the fact is that I DID live it. And that's all I know. I know how men react to things. Oh boy, do I ever. I lived 33 years of my life solely to please men (which is a hard pill to swallow from a raging feminist like myself). It will take some time for me to get used to the emotions involved, the honesty and openness, and the gentleness involved in being with a woman. I love every minute of it, and this feels like home to me...but every new discovery is just that - NEW.

When I mentioned this to her, she wasn't happy. Her response was that she hates it when gender differences are brought up. I totally get that. I feel the same way about most things. I believe that men and women are equal, and that gender differences are no excuse for one to believe they are above another.

But that's not what I was talking about. There ARE gender differences. Not in everyone, granted. There are men who act way more feminine than some women, and vice versa. I guess this isn't even really about gender...it's about exploring this new place in my life. And this place is occupied and decorated with softness and breasts and vagina's, and emotions, and 4am phone calls, and complete openness, and sharing poetry, and UNDERSTANDING poetry and music, and epiphanies...and all these things that I never shared with any man.

I'm sure that there are men out there who CAN share these things with women. I'm just not that woman. I'm a lesbian. I don't "get" poetry when it's about a man and a woman. I used to think I got it...but it was forced, I had to think about it, and eventually I'd come to the conclusion that, yeah ok, I can see how that makes sense. But when I replace the masculine pronoun in songs and poetry, with a feminine pronoun, and apply it to my current life, it makes sense NATURALLY, on its own. I just GET IT. I don't have to think about it or convince myself that it makes sense. I just want to shout, "YES! That's IT! I GET that!"

I don't want to be one of those people who believes that gender differences mean everything. If I become that person, I may as well call up my folks for a nice, down-home, homophobic chit chat about how we're all going to hell, and sign up for a brand spankin' new third husband who's a card-carrying member of the Promise Keepers. (I think I might just be a slight bit, maybe just a little teensy bit, upset at the implication that I think gender matters...ya think???)

But this new relationship world...it IS different. Maybe I don't have a better way to define it than by saying that it's different being with a woman than it is being with a man. If I had some better words to use, I would. Maybe there ARE better words out there, and I don't know them yet. I mean, I've only known about my sexuality for a few months, give me a little time to adjust here, man. I don't know all the right ways to define it. I don't know where I fit in the lesbian world. I actually knew very few lesbians prior to a few months ago, and I had no idea that maybe I ought to be paying attention because I might one day need to know the proper etiquette when discussing with my girlfriend how different it is than being with a man.

I'll muddle through. For now...I think I'm going to ask her to bear with me, and to just accept (even if it doesn't feel right) that when I talk about the difference in dating men and women, it's not about gender, it's about something I haven't defined yet, and that gender is the only way I know how to express it...for now.